![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Haunted
So today started out with me "playing" a mistress in our commercial for class.. Then I met up with my ex. He still gets my mail...so I met and picked it up. Its the first time I've seen him in person since before Halloween... Looking upon him...I know I'm no longer in love with him... I know I can survive without him... but its so easy to talk to him... to fall into forgetting how horrible he can be. I hate talking about him to people... because I know both sides of ... the guy. I know his beauty... the part I fell in love with... and I know the monster... Unfortunately... his monster tore me apart... I am too forgiving... too understanding... and sometimes I look into his eyes... and I see part of me trapped inside... I know... crazy...
But he made me feel like it was okay to be me... completely... of course this was a lie... but thats why I fell so damn hard... was trapped so deep inside... At one time his eyes glowed ember... amazing deep... they died or maybe it was all a lie... and they were dead to begin with.
Doesn't really matter anymore. I just know what is left of what was... what I became... absorbed in being loved...being wanted for me... but who I was... was never enough.. I was too "light" in the beginning...then I was too "dark" I wasn't serious enough... I wasn't happy enough... I was too fake... too real... and I couldn't communicate the way he needed... I don't spell everything out... and this apparently is needed in his world. I just kept trying... till I wasn't me anymore... and my friends disappeared... and my parents say I became a very bitter person... I yelled a lot... my patience wore thin... and I couldn't handle it anymore... I snapped... and let him turn me... I truly believed what he said... I believed I was what was wrong... I was the one with the problem... the one who "forced" him to lose his temper. When we finally broke up... it wasn't a typical breakup... so he remained in my life... and well... I was still in love with him for quite awhile afterwards... I don't "fall outa love" or get over people easily.. Part of me will love him... but I don't know if it was a true love... I think it was more the idea of him... but whatever I try to tell myself... he had me heart mind body and soul... and I don't think I ever really had him completely. I tend to give all of myself when I'm in love... there is no meet me half way. I realize this... I want someone who will give me all as I do for them. I know that I will have to share them with their memories and hauntings as they will have to with me... but I can dream otherwise... I just wish i could be enough... that I could be me... and love despite all my flaws and imperfections. This may never happen... but if I can get myself back... If I can look in the mirror...and be okay again. I hate that I let myself be destroyed again. I hate that I am broken and unable to share myself... that poison flows through me. That I can not help but bleed out right now. That I have to be soo guarded when I talk... so i do not break down in front of people. I am not strong enough right now. I spend nights in tears. I feel soo utterly alone.... I have a couple friends that keep telling me I am not... but I am... I do not expect anyone to be there every time I breakdown. It isn't fair to them. In my darkness I am blinded and more alone than can even be described. I'm afraid to touch another person. I'm afraid to look upon kind eyes and fall in love again... for I have nothing to offer. Only tears and chaos. So I walk on alone. I have 2 very amazing friends who seem to be able to reach me in this deep melancholy I wonder in and out of... but they have their own lives...their own troubles... and I sit alone trapped in this state.. The time of year doesn't help. Sometimes I just want to run away... and keep running till I hit the ocean... but I know... where ever I go... my problems will find me..
But he made me feel like it was okay to be me... completely... of course this was a lie... but thats why I fell so damn hard... was trapped so deep inside... At one time his eyes glowed ember... amazing deep... they died or maybe it was all a lie... and they were dead to begin with.
Doesn't really matter anymore. I just know what is left of what was... what I became... absorbed in being loved...being wanted for me... but who I was... was never enough.. I was too "light" in the beginning...then I was too "dark" I wasn't serious enough... I wasn't happy enough... I was too fake... too real... and I couldn't communicate the way he needed... I don't spell everything out... and this apparently is needed in his world. I just kept trying... till I wasn't me anymore... and my friends disappeared... and my parents say I became a very bitter person... I yelled a lot... my patience wore thin... and I couldn't handle it anymore... I snapped... and let him turn me... I truly believed what he said... I believed I was what was wrong... I was the one with the problem... the one who "forced" him to lose his temper. When we finally broke up... it wasn't a typical breakup... so he remained in my life... and well... I was still in love with him for quite awhile afterwards... I don't "fall outa love" or get over people easily.. Part of me will love him... but I don't know if it was a true love... I think it was more the idea of him... but whatever I try to tell myself... he had me heart mind body and soul... and I don't think I ever really had him completely. I tend to give all of myself when I'm in love... there is no meet me half way. I realize this... I want someone who will give me all as I do for them. I know that I will have to share them with their memories and hauntings as they will have to with me... but I can dream otherwise... I just wish i could be enough... that I could be me... and love despite all my flaws and imperfections. This may never happen... but if I can get myself back... If I can look in the mirror...and be okay again. I hate that I let myself be destroyed again. I hate that I am broken and unable to share myself... that poison flows through me. That I can not help but bleed out right now. That I have to be soo guarded when I talk... so i do not break down in front of people. I am not strong enough right now. I spend nights in tears. I feel soo utterly alone.... I have a couple friends that keep telling me I am not... but I am... I do not expect anyone to be there every time I breakdown. It isn't fair to them. In my darkness I am blinded and more alone than can even be described. I'm afraid to touch another person. I'm afraid to look upon kind eyes and fall in love again... for I have nothing to offer. Only tears and chaos. So I walk on alone. I have 2 very amazing friends who seem to be able to reach me in this deep melancholy I wonder in and out of... but they have their own lives...their own troubles... and I sit alone trapped in this state.. The time of year doesn't help. Sometimes I just want to run away... and keep running till I hit the ocean... but I know... where ever I go... my problems will find me..