wyntre: (falling to pieces)
[personal profile] wyntre
It stings... the fire in my head.. burning me from the inside. I feel safe bleeding onto this page... I am not real...but what I feel consumes me. I know that maybe one person may read this... maybe two... maybe you know who I am. My rl name... but to most I am just Wyntre... bleeding onto the fresh white snow...you may think I'm overly dramatic in my writing... you may not even read it because it is soo... messy. I sit amongst my boxes... my belongings from over the years...some gifts from others, some I bought myself. I sit and look at all this stuff...still in boxes...crammed into my little room...which isnt that little. Sorrow fills me... I want to unpack... but am afraid to.. I feel like I will have to pack it all up again soon.. It makes me feel so unwanted.. so displaced. When will the world around me stop shattering... when will I be able to face myself in the mirror and not want to break it. I don't feel real... I feel like nobody cares most of the time. I am so often forgotten... let to drink a bottle of wine by myself. When I am invited out...I feel so bad about it... for at the moment I can barely aford to keep myself afloat. Yet here I am...still trucking on... and I have no idea why. I feel helpless and hopeless. I hate to even talk about it... when I try to keep it so tightly packed under control... I'm afraid the gates won't hold and all of it will come tumbling out like a tide...never ending deep and black... I feel so alone... even when amongst people.. I just feel like a shadow... dead inside, with a painted on smile. From behind my eyes I am screaming..screaming loud and it comes out in a whisper. I do not want to trouble them with my horror stories... The Truth... The Whole Truth.. And Nothing But the Truth...Except for what I can not say... I can't speak it... Its buried deep inside... covered by years of pain... Too much I'm told that one person can bear... well thats a lie...I've held my pain and walked on... I feel it selfish to share what I hold.. Too selfish... for you didn't cause it... no. So I sit here alone... thinking about those who mean the world to me...and falling... tears streaming... and I am alone. I wonder.. I wonder if I mean anything to anyone... I wonder if anyone feels this way...or if I am just the shadow on the wall feeling too much sorrow. I'm consumed by this feeling. I sit here and I cry. I can not stop. I have no one to hold me as I pathetically allow myself to feel sorry for myself. I don't want those around me to know how weak I am... yet. I can not seem to stop it. I look at my screen... waiting for someone to say something. I want to feel something else. I want to be not alone.. yet I can not stop feeling this way. it subsides at times.. but its there. staring at me like my boxes. I do not know how much longer I can go on alone. people keep telling me I'm not... but where is everyone at 2am when the sobs hit me uncontrollably? Where are they when I sit in front of my computer at 11pm?
They are living their lives...as they should be.. and I sit alone... not being able to touch a soul because if I do... they will twist into smoke and evaporate into my head...
And so I sit. surrounded by ghosts. reaching out a hand into the abyss... for what... I really don't know... for who really wants to be around a dead girl?
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February 2015

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