Feb. 7th, 2015

Broken

Feb. 7th, 2015 10:12 pm
wyntre: (tiffa)
We are told every day that we are lacking.. that we are in fact broken. Society tells us we are not good enough, that we are not enough. That we need to make more money, that we need to buy things, that we are too fat, too skinny, too pale, too dark, too tall, too short... we are always too..

My ex used to tell me that a lot.. I was too... too tall, too big, too quiet, too loud, too dark, too light, too excited, too depressed... too broken..

When you are told by the world 5000 or more times a day that you are lacking.. and then someone you love tells you something similar.. You begin to believe it... even though you don't want to.. you fight daily with the demons in your own head, and the demons of the world.. and then you have to fight the ones you love who don't even realize they are shoving the same message down your throat.. or maybe they do.. there is a point when you break.. and believe the lies.. for if so many say it.. and you feel it to your core... It must be true.. Right?

We are human. We are fragile, even the toughest of us, snap under the pressure of the world. Some crumble under the pressure become a diamond but we don't know it... since we've been chipped away by heartache, tragedy and loss..

We forget that this is our life... that we are supposed to be the narrator of our lives... we have spent so much time allowing others to have control.. telling us we NEED to go to school... NEED to have a JOB that pays lots of money for the stuff that you NEED to buy...
Don't get me wrong.. money makes the world go round, but that's because we are told it does... frustrating when you aren't well off.. fighting to get food on your plate, a roof over your head, clothes on your back..

I did what I was supposed to do.. I went to college.. several colleges.. finding what I had dreamed of doing, wasn't for me... and searched to find something that WAS ME.. which was hard with the world telling me what I NEEDED to do.. contradicting messages.. follow your dreams.. but only if they make you money..
I didn't chose the right path.. thats what I was told.. but if I hadn't gone to college.. I wouldn't have found friends... I wouldn't have traveled... I feel like I wasted so much time and money.. and in the end I'm left alone and without much prospect of finding my place. I keep fighting though.. and I'm not bad off as I could be... but I feel like I am.. I feel lost. and alone.. When I finally started my life again, I had a job working with photographs.. not really what I had wanted but it was a step in the right direction, I was doing shoots with a dear friend of mine who was pushing me to do what I loved, I had another friend that was inspiring me to do art, I finally decided to attempt learning to dance and hula hoop like I've always wanted to. My heart was broken with losing so much, but I was there starting to walk in the direction of one of my dreams... and then.. I got sick... nothing like I've been sick before.. waking up was terrible.. walking and existing took tremendous effort, the lies of how I was doing were harder to say... and the pain bleed through the cracks of my finely made mask that alluded that I was alright..
No one really believed me.. they thought it would go away.. the doctors were of no use.. and my world began to crumble.. I no longer felt well enough to do things.. though I still tried.. but it was forced... then my camera broke.. I lost my job.. my laptop died... one thing after another... things just seem to pile on top of me.. I lost all hope.. I just didn't want to be in a world were I couldn't see the beauty in it anymore... Where I was seen as worthless and feeble.. and though my friends kept telling me things will change.. will get better.. they faded away like a dream of hope... because they weren't sure of it either... The world is a harsh place, and we all have our own problems, sorrows and tragedies. But if we can't be there for eachother.. what is the point? Sometimes, we can't reach eachother.. the pain holding us hostage is too great, too dark and we lose ourselves in it.. Sometimes we stumble upon another who has had a similar darkness.. This has happened to me a couple times.. This last time was out of the blue. He hates that I say he saved me.. but in a way he did. Its not like I'm completely saved, far from it.. I'm still trying to figure out what I should be doing. HOWEVER, he slipped into my life, innocently enough, shared his story for some reason, and I shared a little of mine.. and we became friends.. he allowed me to do some creative things for him, and in spite of feeling completely dead inside, a small spark of the person I was..
So here I am involved in a crazy project that became much larger than either of us even imagined.. Three of us against the world turned into so much more... Now.. I sit here looking at the screen, wondering where I'm supposed to be. I still have so many voices telling me what I should be doing and I'm tired of being stuck.. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time, and dread when someone asks how I'm feeling.. I just don't have it in me to lie,
The truth is. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel my dreams slipping away.. I just want to feel real again, alive again. I want to have that wonderous feeling from looking through my lens and capturing moments in time. Playing with images in photoshop to make them a different kind of artwork.. Dancing in the rain to a rhythm of my own. I am a clutz and a dreamer.. I guess even in the darkest of times, when I've fallen and can't seem to get back up on my feet, I can roll over and look up and see the stars. Its hard.. but in helping others pursue their dreams.. Even if i'm just a support cast, not a main stage presentation. It gives me hope that I can find a path that makes me less miserable. One of my own. Where I have a place of my own. Where I can dance like a maniac with the volume turned up high, playing a mean air guitar. Where I can cook crazy dinners and experiment. Hang my moons and fae next to my sharks teeth and fish. Cover my rooms in NBC and AIW decor and start crazy projects that I always wanted to. Watch movies and series while writing or learning to knit. Edit photos and print them as small or as large as I want. To drink tea and read for hours on end or shower at 2 in the morning. Maybe someday fall in love again. To throw dinner parties or just watch Doctor Who in a straight marathon. or LOTR or StarWars or Stargate.. Or to take a weekend or a week and just play video games on end.

In the end of my rambling road that my thoughts bring me through, I wonder about everything. About why people put others down instead of encouraging eachother.. Why we are told we are too.. anything...
Too much.. We're told we're broken, that pieces are missing.. that we need things to fix us..
In the end.. are we our own demise? I keep trying to stay on the positive side.. which isn't easy.. its so easy to fall into the oblivion of the grey mass.. the words spoken thousand times a day. Through every commercial we hear... Through our loved ones, our cowokers, the products we buy the schools we go to... Its everywhere.. and I don't think people realize what they are saying is negative most of the time...
While i have a hard time not seeing myself broken.. I try to spin it.. beautifully broken perfectly flawed etc etc... build me up to tear me down.. Its a bumpy ride.. i try so hard to not tear people down.. again not an easy task.. trying to reroute.. reteach oneself a way of life..
In the end, its just another begining.. and I sit on the ground.. if it is the ground.. trying to figure out where to go now.. what do I do now? I pushed myself so hard, trying to stand and walk again.. that I broke myself.. and I find myself fighting to breathe.. to think.. to see.. I just want to find a peace of mind.. so that I can think.. and find where I am supposed to go.. This can't be the end of my story.. I feel lacking muchness.. empty and hollow..
and then a dance in a movie brings me to tears... I want to make a difference... but I'm not..
I don't like the way my life has turned out. I love my family.. my friends.. but I feel displaced... like I don't belong.. back in highschool.. but older.. sadder.. and unsure what to do? Here I am bleeding on a digital screen. Wondering what the hell i should do. I've been called a big NoBodY. Nobody.. flashes of the past slice through my brain. What does that mean.. that I am not real? Am I just a figment of your imagination? I don't know where I'm going, only where I've been... Can a hippo dance? Of course, just because you deem it not good doesn't mean that they cant... you are using the too again...
In the eyes of the world I may be no one... but to someone I could be someone.. the one.. again a dreamer.. I'd rather believe that than what the world screams at me. Hey at least if they say I'm no one it means one thing. I'm perfect because everyone knows.. No one is perfect ;)

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