Mar. 24th, 2011

wyntre: (walk alone)
"Only clowns'll play with dual balloons
Whatcha wanna look like Barbie for?"


*sighz* I lay here in bed...but I can't seem to shut off my brain. I've been working on homework (javascript) for hours upon hours today... I completed 2 quizes and 2 projects... one yesterday... still so far behind... at least I feel that way. I have 2 more quizes and 3 more projects for just that class to catch up... Then I have my AutoCad 3d assignments...9 of them though 2 are almost finished... I also have a test to take before Monday... I can't help but feel overwhelmed...I look at the big picture too much. The fact that I can't seem to fall asleep at night and then can't seem to wake up in the morning has made things so fucking difficult. We just had/are having a snow storm...thunder snow and all.. so its all back.. the dreary days that make life so difficult to want to be awake.. I find myself alone most of the time.. I have no want to be with others.. and at the same time, I want to hear from my friends... I feel so abandoned at times... I feel so lost at times. I sit here at night and stare at the screen... working, not working.. trying to find the inspiration to do something that will make me feel better about being alive. I am haunted by the fact that I am awkward around people... this guy last weekend asked me if he could give me his phone number... I felt so awkward... I was at work... second I don't feel pretty... interesting or any of that... and I stared at him wondering what the hell he was thinking...what he was seeing that he could possibly think that I would be someone he would want to hang out with. He wasn't ugly.. he wasn't rude or disgusting... he was just a fairly regular customer that I chat a little with when he checks out... and he asks me this... in front of my manager... I couldn't even say anything... I just shook my head no.. no I couldn't accept his phone number... I felt so horrid.. still do... I don't know if he was as embarrassed as I felt... It terrifies me when anyone wants more than a simple relationship. I don't know...he's prolly a great guy... I just am still not able to reach out to others...to have anyone in my life that is intimate.. I am truly turning into a hermit.. and I'm okay with it most days. People tend to break my heart and let me down... and its so hard for me.. so bloody hard. I'm still not recovered from the abuse/torment that I went through with my ex. I do miss feeling needed/loved/wanted but at the same time, it was so much work and I'm very school minded... I keep my eyes on that...if I am not where I feel like I'm doing well...if I'm not caught up I don't feel like I should be doing anything else besides working. Juggling work and school has been so difficult at times. I miss having friends that I could talk to about anything..not that I really did... I tend to stuff things... I was always the one that they turned to but never really had those I could turn to besides my mom and sister...and there are just somethings that I can't tell them either... but alas, I am here... with phantom friends... some days struggling with what is real...do people exist still when i can't feel them... can't see them... Yes... but do I ... or am I just living in my head again. always lost in the abyss of my thoughts. I think things that are strange... and things that are so mundane... I keep trying to figure out which way I'm headed... I feel like I am not where I should be... but then again... is there a should? I just feel soo tired all the time... ambition dying but I force myself onward toward a dream thats always just out of grasp..

"As she walks through a snow shower
Breaking a path through the ice
She passes a high ice tower
Which penetrates a polar night
But she lacks oxygen
Essential to fire"


* Reading: The Witching Hour by Anne Rice

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wyntre

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