Nov. 22nd, 2010

wyntre: (walk alone)
Sadness covers and vibrates throughout my being.
All I see is darkness.. I am in a sea of darkness.
I cry like a mad woman. In .2 seconds I go from okay to tears.
I keep staring at my computer screen. Willing myself to write.
I hear a song and the tears come.
I don't feel a connection to many people in my life.
Usually when I do... its brief and gone with a blink.. or they end up stabbing me in the heart when they leave. Yet i still walk on. While I have a wall up... I still am searching for that connection. To feel something...for someone...for real.
I felt a connection with a new friend. We talked and while we did... I felt it. That soul recognizing soul feeling. Obviously me being me... it scared me...but I didn't want to stop talking. It was wonderful. Then the night ended. We all said our goodbyes and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then surprisingly he wrote me.. I am used to feeling a small portion of this and then evaporating into the past like it never happened.

I had one of my breakdowns this weekend. I just stare at my room. The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness consumes me. I am still dealing with this feeling of unwelcome in my own place. I apparently rent a room and that is it. I know my roommate probably doesn't realize he makes me feel this way... So I sit here... unable to lift my spirits let alone do what I should be doing.
And new friend messaged me. As much as I didn't want to ruin everything by bleeding out all over him... he allowed me to bleed a little... It was so scary yet at the same time... I felt the connection again. even through the internet. Then... today we met for lunch. He made me beautiful gifts. Amazing. I was jumping on the inside. I was afraid to talk though.. we were in public... and with the way I have been... I didn't want to start crying. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to continue talking... but there was a baby crying... and tension in the air... He even shared stuff with it was a real conversation.. equal parts blood spilled. It was nice...and I didn't want to stop...but alas everything ends. I may have found a true friend here.. Too bad I'm so needy... Its just nice to have someone other that poor Veridienne who is the only other person I talk to and truthfully the only one who is reading this.. Its nice to feel understood...
So now after my wonderful day... the normal sadness hits and I sink into my typical darkness. I wish there was someway for me to not feel this...alone.


wyntre: (Default)

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