Oct. 1st, 2010

wyntre: (oh crap)
Usually my depression doesnt get bad til November.. October is my favorite month, but this year I have been fighting it since spring. I am not sure what is really wrong with me. My mind wont turn off at night, then when i finally fall asleep... I dont want to wake up. The annoying buzz of my alarm... just makes me hit the snooze button. Eventually I have to get up though. I have obligations, school and work. Today I forced myself out of bed earlier than normal, got my laundry together, paperwork together, then veged to the last few episodes of the 3rd season of Dexter. I am exhausted. I work in an hour. It is October. The leaves are changing colors. Birthdays fill the month. School fills 3 of my days, and the others are filled with work. Tomorrow is prolly my last day off for awhile. I am spending it with my folks. I miss them terribly. I miss my friends. Yesterday I went and hungout with a friend for the first time in awhile after class. We walked around a Halloween store, got some groceries and she made me her awesome Ravioli. I think she knows that I'm hallow inside. She asked me what was wrong. I smiled and told her I had a headache, which was true. But the other part... I wish i knew what was wrong. Then I could fix it. You ever read the twilight saga? In the second book Bella feels hollow, empty and dead. Thats how I feel. No its not because of guy like she is... I havnt had a guy in my life in a long time. I few casual encounters, but none that could imprint on me the way one has to, to tear a hole out of a person. I have lost friends... I guess I felt closer to them than they did to me, for they just left, no word, just poof out of my life. Maybe its because my whole life is changing... but shouldn't I feel more alive for that... not so empty?
Some say you need someone to live for... but I just dont see that being an answer. I would rather find myself and be happy then, have someone in my life to share the happiness with. I dont like having someone complete me, because then when they leave, I am broken as they pull away...shattered. I hate that.
So I sit here, in my room. cluttered with emotion and wondering how I can get the motivation to keep going. yet I do. I get up, put on my work clothes and a smile, and head out the door. I fake my happiness. maybe someday I will fool myself enough that i am truely happy.. Or maybe I will really feel it. it would be nice.
Until then I will just try to enjoy October. Try not to sleep all the time. Make some Apple Cider. And try not to analys myself to death lol

"Its getting darker now.
Its getting darker now.
Its getting darker now.
All you hear are lullaby
Its a long way home.
And all I see is darkness.
An Angel in a dark dress.
Don't you leave me here.
I am in a sea of darkness.
So don't you leave me here."

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wyntre

February 2015

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