Sep. 20th, 2010

wyntre: (never alone)
So the next in this series is called best friend. When I was little I watched tv, wishing for someone like that. To do everything with, to tell my secrets to, to cry on, to be there for me. As I grew, I realized that real life people are not like that at all. I would lend the shoulder, I would sit and listen.. yet when I needed to talk to someone.. I had no one really then. I created invisible friends, and talked to my dolls. I had my sister, but back then we were not that close. I didnt have a true friend for quite awhile. I mean I could count on my sister for some things, and on my mom if I really needed them, but sometimes a girl needs someone seperate from the situation. I had some ghosts I talked to, but they couldnt hold me. I was alone for a long time. I had some people I played with, but they weren't true friends. I knew that when the pieces fell I would be standing in mud, by myself. I was the one they ran to, but I had no one really to run to outside of my mom. Now I do consider her my best friend, yet somehow I always wanted another kind of best friend. It wasn't until college that I got my wish for friends that accepted me for me. While in the end only a couple of them are still with me, it was nice having friends to go do stuff with. Even then the person I called my best friend, wasnt really what I had hoped for. I always got looks like I was crazy, because no one understood me at times, and no one really knew me. Some of them were close, broke my heart, but still they just couldnt accept all of me at times. I scared them I think. Even the boy I loved then, I think was scared of my desires of the world. Maybe I just had too high of standards for real people. In my second school I found a group of friends that I was more like, and met a girl who I considered my best friend. We did everything that the stereotype best friends do and more. She mostly accepted me for me. She had issues with the guys I liked, but we were close. There was 3 of us that were inseperatable... until a little bird called thier folks and told them I worshiped the devil and was condeming their kids... I lost one of my dearest friends that day. His mom had/has a stronger grip on him than anyone I ever met. I still miss him and my heart breaks when I remember him. He's getting married.. and I will not be there to celebrate my best friends special day. He was not strong enough to stand up to his mother. I can not hate him for that, but I can be heartbroken. My other best friend surprizingly stood up to her folks. She did not fall away from the close part til I went away for my batchleors degree. She did not like that I was far away.. and it took awhile to talk again. We do now, though she is in a different state. I miss her too, but at least I can talk to her occasionally. When I moved, I made a new best friend. She was dating one of my close friends. She and I did alot together and she was there through one of the rough spots in my life. She broke my heart as well. She just stopped talking to me one day. I have no idea why. I had another very close friend, who dropped me without a word as well. I miss him dearly... I think I may have been in love with him, but we wanted different things out of life. He is also getting married... another dear one that I will miss an important part of his life.
I feel like everytime I let someone close to me is damned to leave. I know that is life, but the way they go just upsets me. I think that having friends sometimes is more heartbreaking than when I was alone. Yet again. I have 2 very important friends that are close to me, and have been with me for quite awhile for my ups and downs, as I have tried to be there for them. One is my dear online goddesss, she's the one who interduced me to this website. She listens while I rant about the pain I feel from the rejection of people in life, when my brain takes over and makes life too damn hard. She discusses makeup with me, even though i dont know much. She shares my love of dance, and vampires, and music and books, and goddesses. She is one of the few that I feel doesnt judge me on my beliefs even when they dont match her own. I try to listen to her through her own heartbreak and trials though I cant be there in life, i give her my spirit and heart when she asks. This scares me, for i know things could always change, yet somehow through all we've been through I think she will be the one who sticks. At least I hope so. My other one is my roommate. He's been here through my mania... he doesnt always understand me, or my crazy ways, but he tries to be there when it counts and that means alot to me. I also have two other girls who are constently supporting me as much as they can. There are a few other onliners, but we have fallen away. I feel lucky to have the ones I do. I wouldnt be here today without thier support and understanding.. even if they dont completely understand me, I know that certain people's shoulders will always be there. <3


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