wyntre: (falling to pieces)
[personal profile] wyntre
I'm hurt.
This is why I wonder if its better to be alone. I feel like the shadows are creeping up. The silence is deafening. I'm constantly told what I'm feeling isn't valid.. that things are just in my bloody head... Everything is in my bloody head. In trying to inspire me, with their ridiculous theories and jilted ways.
In the end I am tired.
I am soo tired.
Tired of fighting for a dream that has already faded.
Tired of fighting for a life. To stand on my own. One step forward, two steps backward.
I'm tired of being told what I can and can not do.
and I just don't want to anymore.
I'm tired of being sick. Tired of feeling like shit, which makes me feel useless.
Thing is. I am not sure I'm enough. I see the way they look at me. At the way they are tired of hearing what I have to say.. so I try to remain silent. I've realized that I was right in the beginning. People prefer beautiful lies. They don't want to know the truths. They don't want to see others pain. Yet they want to open up and bleed all over you. Its tragic, but truth. In the end, opening up isn't something that I should do. I get the stupid fucking get over it speech. If I hear it again, I may have to start stabbing people. Hypocrites. It tears me up inside. Wishing someone cared.. that someone could love me. But in the end, maybe all I get is a little bit of family love, and a friend with a hug... Maybe this path I am on is truly a solo path. Those that say they love me, may in their own way.. but I have a hard time believing it. I am alone. Sitting on the ground. I'm tired of clawing the walls trying to find a window or a door.
The thing is. I don't know what I want anymore. Everyone keeps telling me what I want. When I think I found a path I want to pursue.. I'm told that I'm not doing what I want. Why does everyone think they know how I feel, or what I want. Telling me oh this will be temporary.
Temporary. Potential. I don't like those words.
Why. The ultimate question.. with no answer. Why. Why. Why. Why.
No reason. I don't have a reason. I am on this path of broken glass. Walking along, holding the pain close, because its what I have.. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of watching those I love hurt. But its all I can do.
The person I love, can't love me back. I know this. It hurts.. but it is what it is, and I'm working on being alright with it. Working on being ok at being in the same room, being stared at with those eyes who have no idea of how I feel.. I'm not sure I can ever tell him how I feel.. to screw up the friendship that we have..
In the end, he will fade into my past, as does everyone I care about. Another scar that no one will see.
They say love is kind.. but life is cruel. My life seems to be one big cosmic joke.
But I'm not laughing.
I'm alone. The girl with too many problems that bewilders everyone that it touches, so they walk away. I don't blame them, but I'm lonely and have started to talk too much.
So. I need to go back to pretending everything is fine and stop talking.
I need to find an outlit.
While some are saying I need to not worry about my path.. where I want to go.
Well I don't believe it. I need to figure out what I want. Where I want to go. What will make me happy.
The pieces are falling like ash around me... hopefully when they settle I will see a path... but I have a feeling I'll be trying to find my way through another fog.
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wyntre

February 2015

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