Own Demise

Mar. 20th, 2012 05:23 pm
wyntre: (falling to pieces)
[personal profile] wyntre
Sometimes I'm the cause of my own suffering. I sit here alone... Staring at my own mess. Listening to music, drifting with the words. I should be cleaning.. I should be doing the many things on my list. But I'm sitting and thinking.. my own worst feature. I was asked to go out to a movie with some friends. I really wanted to go.. but I backed out. I have so much to do. I really do. I fear my money situation. Gas just jumped again in price. I could be having fun, eating popcorn.. but my fear ate me and won. So I sit here.. Cant even turn on my tv to watch a movie, because the remote is lost in the sea of stuff that I'm trying to sort through. My life is in piles on the floor.. and damn it, it depresses the shit out of me. I am torn between needing to be around people and needing to be alone. I fear so much. My own thoughts kill me. I do everything in my power to distract myself from thinking about things.. over analyzing and chewing things to bits. I had a great weekend.. I didn't want it to end. to go back to my thoughts and every day fears. I am afraid of the stupidest things, and things that others sort of understand. I feel so awkward around people.. I tend to ramble at times.
Man, I did a photo session this weekend. I had forgotten how much I loved taking pictures. I miss it. I hate not having time to do it. Time to work on editing. My friend, she is fucking amazing at it, and she's still learning..
I just feel like I'm floating around, waving my arms around like a crazy person to get somewhere.. anywhere, and all I do is waste time, and go in circles.. I hope this isn't the set of the rest of my life.. right now I'm just so tired of how things are going. It drives me nuts.
I really should get back to this mess... maybe i can organize my life and somehow figure out how to balance everything.
I can hope
because... right now I don't even know which way is up.

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wyntre

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