Broken

Feb. 7th, 2015 10:12 pm
wyntre: (tiffa)
We are told every day that we are lacking.. that we are in fact broken. Society tells us we are not good enough, that we are not enough. That we need to make more money, that we need to buy things, that we are too fat, too skinny, too pale, too dark, too tall, too short... we are always too..

My ex used to tell me that a lot.. I was too... too tall, too big, too quiet, too loud, too dark, too light, too excited, too depressed... too broken..

When you are told by the world 5000 or more times a day that you are lacking.. and then someone you love tells you something similar.. You begin to believe it... even though you don't want to.. you fight daily with the demons in your own head, and the demons of the world.. and then you have to fight the ones you love who don't even realize they are shoving the same message down your throat.. or maybe they do.. there is a point when you break.. and believe the lies.. for if so many say it.. and you feel it to your core... It must be true.. Right?

We are human. We are fragile, even the toughest of us, snap under the pressure of the world. Some crumble under the pressure become a diamond but we don't know it... since we've been chipped away by heartache, tragedy and loss..

We forget that this is our life... that we are supposed to be the narrator of our lives... we have spent so much time allowing others to have control.. telling us we NEED to go to school... NEED to have a JOB that pays lots of money for the stuff that you NEED to buy...
Don't get me wrong.. money makes the world go round, but that's because we are told it does... frustrating when you aren't well off.. fighting to get food on your plate, a roof over your head, clothes on your back..

I did what I was supposed to do.. I went to college.. several colleges.. finding what I had dreamed of doing, wasn't for me... and searched to find something that WAS ME.. which was hard with the world telling me what I NEEDED to do.. contradicting messages.. follow your dreams.. but only if they make you money..
I didn't chose the right path.. thats what I was told.. but if I hadn't gone to college.. I wouldn't have found friends... I wouldn't have traveled... I feel like I wasted so much time and money.. and in the end I'm left alone and without much prospect of finding my place. I keep fighting though.. and I'm not bad off as I could be... but I feel like I am.. I feel lost. and alone.. When I finally started my life again, I had a job working with photographs.. not really what I had wanted but it was a step in the right direction, I was doing shoots with a dear friend of mine who was pushing me to do what I loved, I had another friend that was inspiring me to do art, I finally decided to attempt learning to dance and hula hoop like I've always wanted to. My heart was broken with losing so much, but I was there starting to walk in the direction of one of my dreams... and then.. I got sick... nothing like I've been sick before.. waking up was terrible.. walking and existing took tremendous effort, the lies of how I was doing were harder to say... and the pain bleed through the cracks of my finely made mask that alluded that I was alright..
No one really believed me.. they thought it would go away.. the doctors were of no use.. and my world began to crumble.. I no longer felt well enough to do things.. though I still tried.. but it was forced... then my camera broke.. I lost my job.. my laptop died... one thing after another... things just seem to pile on top of me.. I lost all hope.. I just didn't want to be in a world were I couldn't see the beauty in it anymore... Where I was seen as worthless and feeble.. and though my friends kept telling me things will change.. will get better.. they faded away like a dream of hope... because they weren't sure of it either... The world is a harsh place, and we all have our own problems, sorrows and tragedies. But if we can't be there for eachother.. what is the point? Sometimes, we can't reach eachother.. the pain holding us hostage is too great, too dark and we lose ourselves in it.. Sometimes we stumble upon another who has had a similar darkness.. This has happened to me a couple times.. This last time was out of the blue. He hates that I say he saved me.. but in a way he did. Its not like I'm completely saved, far from it.. I'm still trying to figure out what I should be doing. HOWEVER, he slipped into my life, innocently enough, shared his story for some reason, and I shared a little of mine.. and we became friends.. he allowed me to do some creative things for him, and in spite of feeling completely dead inside, a small spark of the person I was..
So here I am involved in a crazy project that became much larger than either of us even imagined.. Three of us against the world turned into so much more... Now.. I sit here looking at the screen, wondering where I'm supposed to be. I still have so many voices telling me what I should be doing and I'm tired of being stuck.. I'm tired of feeling like shit all the time, and dread when someone asks how I'm feeling.. I just don't have it in me to lie,
The truth is. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel my dreams slipping away.. I just want to feel real again, alive again. I want to have that wonderous feeling from looking through my lens and capturing moments in time. Playing with images in photoshop to make them a different kind of artwork.. Dancing in the rain to a rhythm of my own. I am a clutz and a dreamer.. I guess even in the darkest of times, when I've fallen and can't seem to get back up on my feet, I can roll over and look up and see the stars. Its hard.. but in helping others pursue their dreams.. Even if i'm just a support cast, not a main stage presentation. It gives me hope that I can find a path that makes me less miserable. One of my own. Where I have a place of my own. Where I can dance like a maniac with the volume turned up high, playing a mean air guitar. Where I can cook crazy dinners and experiment. Hang my moons and fae next to my sharks teeth and fish. Cover my rooms in NBC and AIW decor and start crazy projects that I always wanted to. Watch movies and series while writing or learning to knit. Edit photos and print them as small or as large as I want. To drink tea and read for hours on end or shower at 2 in the morning. Maybe someday fall in love again. To throw dinner parties or just watch Doctor Who in a straight marathon. or LOTR or StarWars or Stargate.. Or to take a weekend or a week and just play video games on end.

In the end of my rambling road that my thoughts bring me through, I wonder about everything. About why people put others down instead of encouraging eachother.. Why we are told we are too.. anything...
Too much.. We're told we're broken, that pieces are missing.. that we need things to fix us..
In the end.. are we our own demise? I keep trying to stay on the positive side.. which isn't easy.. its so easy to fall into the oblivion of the grey mass.. the words spoken thousand times a day. Through every commercial we hear... Through our loved ones, our cowokers, the products we buy the schools we go to... Its everywhere.. and I don't think people realize what they are saying is negative most of the time...
While i have a hard time not seeing myself broken.. I try to spin it.. beautifully broken perfectly flawed etc etc... build me up to tear me down.. Its a bumpy ride.. i try so hard to not tear people down.. again not an easy task.. trying to reroute.. reteach oneself a way of life..
In the end, its just another begining.. and I sit on the ground.. if it is the ground.. trying to figure out where to go now.. what do I do now? I pushed myself so hard, trying to stand and walk again.. that I broke myself.. and I find myself fighting to breathe.. to think.. to see.. I just want to find a peace of mind.. so that I can think.. and find where I am supposed to go.. This can't be the end of my story.. I feel lacking muchness.. empty and hollow..
and then a dance in a movie brings me to tears... I want to make a difference... but I'm not..
I don't like the way my life has turned out. I love my family.. my friends.. but I feel displaced... like I don't belong.. back in highschool.. but older.. sadder.. and unsure what to do? Here I am bleeding on a digital screen. Wondering what the hell i should do. I've been called a big NoBodY. Nobody.. flashes of the past slice through my brain. What does that mean.. that I am not real? Am I just a figment of your imagination? I don't know where I'm going, only where I've been... Can a hippo dance? Of course, just because you deem it not good doesn't mean that they cant... you are using the too again...
In the eyes of the world I may be no one... but to someone I could be someone.. the one.. again a dreamer.. I'd rather believe that than what the world screams at me. Hey at least if they say I'm no one it means one thing. I'm perfect because everyone knows.. No one is perfect ;)
wyntre: (falling to pieces)
I'm hurt.
This is why I wonder if its better to be alone. I feel like the shadows are creeping up. The silence is deafening. I'm constantly told what I'm feeling isn't valid.. that things are just in my bloody head... Everything is in my bloody head. In trying to inspire me, with their ridiculous theories and jilted ways.
In the end I am tired.
I am soo tired.
Tired of fighting for a dream that has already faded.
Tired of fighting for a life. To stand on my own. One step forward, two steps backward.
I'm tired of being told what I can and can not do.
and I just don't want to anymore.
I'm tired of being sick. Tired of feeling like shit, which makes me feel useless.
Thing is. I am not sure I'm enough. I see the way they look at me. At the way they are tired of hearing what I have to say.. so I try to remain silent. I've realized that I was right in the beginning. People prefer beautiful lies. They don't want to know the truths. They don't want to see others pain. Yet they want to open up and bleed all over you. Its tragic, but truth. In the end, opening up isn't something that I should do. I get the stupid fucking get over it speech. If I hear it again, I may have to start stabbing people. Hypocrites. It tears me up inside. Wishing someone cared.. that someone could love me. But in the end, maybe all I get is a little bit of family love, and a friend with a hug... Maybe this path I am on is truly a solo path. Those that say they love me, may in their own way.. but I have a hard time believing it. I am alone. Sitting on the ground. I'm tired of clawing the walls trying to find a window or a door.
The thing is. I don't know what I want anymore. Everyone keeps telling me what I want. When I think I found a path I want to pursue.. I'm told that I'm not doing what I want. Why does everyone think they know how I feel, or what I want. Telling me oh this will be temporary.
Temporary. Potential. I don't like those words.
Why. The ultimate question.. with no answer. Why. Why. Why. Why.
No reason. I don't have a reason. I am on this path of broken glass. Walking along, holding the pain close, because its what I have.. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of watching those I love hurt. But its all I can do.
The person I love, can't love me back. I know this. It hurts.. but it is what it is, and I'm working on being alright with it. Working on being ok at being in the same room, being stared at with those eyes who have no idea of how I feel.. I'm not sure I can ever tell him how I feel.. to screw up the friendship that we have..
In the end, he will fade into my past, as does everyone I care about. Another scar that no one will see.
They say love is kind.. but life is cruel. My life seems to be one big cosmic joke.
But I'm not laughing.
I'm alone. The girl with too many problems that bewilders everyone that it touches, so they walk away. I don't blame them, but I'm lonely and have started to talk too much.
So. I need to go back to pretending everything is fine and stop talking.
I need to find an outlit.
While some are saying I need to not worry about my path.. where I want to go.
Well I don't believe it. I need to figure out what I want. Where I want to go. What will make me happy.
The pieces are falling like ash around me... hopefully when they settle I will see a path... but I have a feeling I'll be trying to find my way through another fog.

Own Demise

Mar. 20th, 2012 05:23 pm
wyntre: (falling to pieces)
Sometimes I'm the cause of my own suffering. I sit here alone... Staring at my own mess. Listening to music, drifting with the words. I should be cleaning.. I should be doing the many things on my list. But I'm sitting and thinking.. my own worst feature. I was asked to go out to a movie with some friends. I really wanted to go.. but I backed out. I have so much to do. I really do. I fear my money situation. Gas just jumped again in price. I could be having fun, eating popcorn.. but my fear ate me and won. So I sit here.. Cant even turn on my tv to watch a movie, because the remote is lost in the sea of stuff that I'm trying to sort through. My life is in piles on the floor.. and damn it, it depresses the shit out of me. I am torn between needing to be around people and needing to be alone. I fear so much. My own thoughts kill me. I do everything in my power to distract myself from thinking about things.. over analyzing and chewing things to bits. I had a great weekend.. I didn't want it to end. to go back to my thoughts and every day fears. I am afraid of the stupidest things, and things that others sort of understand. I feel so awkward around people.. I tend to ramble at times.
Man, I did a photo session this weekend. I had forgotten how much I loved taking pictures. I miss it. I hate not having time to do it. Time to work on editing. My friend, she is fucking amazing at it, and she's still learning..
I just feel like I'm floating around, waving my arms around like a crazy person to get somewhere.. anywhere, and all I do is waste time, and go in circles.. I hope this isn't the set of the rest of my life.. right now I'm just so tired of how things are going. It drives me nuts.
I really should get back to this mess... maybe i can organize my life and somehow figure out how to balance everything.
I can hope
because... right now I don't even know which way is up.
wyntre: (walk alone)
I've died every day waiting for you
I've been waiting a thousand years
and I will wait a thousand more

Its the new year. I don't feel much different. I just know I'm one step closer to somewhere else.
I am very much alone.. Yet I'm not. I have my family. Which I'm closer to then any of my friends are with their families. Its always been this way, and it always will be this way. They are all I really have. Friends tend to dissolve and leave more often than not. Even the ones I thought would never leave.

I've lived the last few years a shell of a gurl. Trying to deal with the heart break that I have endured. I learned to live half alive. So much sorrow lives in my heart, broken and beaten. But I'm not your ghost anymore. Things have taken so long to feel alright. Trying to find the light to lite back in my eyes. I've struggled with everything that I've lost in these last few years. Not strong enough to leave completely but slowly backing away to the door. Afraid to close the door, to that which I invested so much time, love and energy. Who do you think you are, going around leaving scars.. coming back for me? After all the pain you put me through, all the loss I endured, the mental abuse... and you have the gall to tell me you are different... that you have changed.. are pissed at me for thinking you haven't. Then when I turn you down, and threaten to walk away forever if you push the matter farther.. you go and propose to the one you left me for. Who the hell do you think you are? What game are you playing? Now you are a shell of a man. You thought you had your perfect life, a wedding to plan a new life to live. and me. I sat back and thought, while stung for some damn reason, good. Move on so I finally can. But alas the laugh seems to be on us both, for she broke it off once again. and again you cry to me. I sit and stare at you wondering if you realize what you are asking. No. I am not your ghost anymore. I am a shadow slipping back into the dark. I don't want you to hurt, but I don't want you to hurt me anymore. Its strange.. I don't feel the love I did for you before, I see you as you are... Yet, I somehow can not seem to escape this web. I am not free to find love again.. But I don't really feel the need to have that right now. While I am lonely to the point of breaking... lonely for something that never was... real. For something I dreamed up in my little Cinderella Addams family mind. A love so strong and true. A man willing to chase across the globe for... I have yet to find that man. Though I am not ready for such a love. I tend to devote too much energy to love, so I must stay vacant and distant until school is done. Give myself some time to become myself again. Slowly I've been distancing myself from people, which might not be a good idea, but at the same time, I've been feeling that silence that grows... I know everyone is busy, maybe that's my excuse to become a hermit. I hide behind my school work and fill in the extras with jobs. I find other things to fill the time, so that I don't have time to think or feel the emptiness that is growing. I'm watching everyone find partners, have children and get married.. and I feel so different... so alone. Maybe this year things will change.. I can only hope that things are going to get better because this past year wasn't so great and ended with me alone. Though I started the year alone too... maybe that's for the best LOL
So here I am half alive... trying to find some sense in what I call my life..
wyntre: (falling to pieces)
This is not real
There was no body... just ashes... just tears... just memories...
and me... with broken memories... not enough of them to fill the glass... and I mourn
because I didn't know you well enough. I watch my mother be so strong... jaw set, not to break down again. and I sit next to your grandchild. He fights back tears between me and my mother. I can not let him mourn alone. I gently lay my hand on his quivering hands fidgeting in his lap. A tear falls and he wipes it away, his one hand wrapping his thumb up into my hand. I feel his heart beat in his hands and I feel his sorrow up into my hand. I fight the tears I feel well up inside my dead heart. I look at him and he gives me a weak little smile grateful for the comfort I offer... which I was afraid to offer...then realized I didn't care. This is me not caring what anybody thinks. I didn't know him well enough... so I shouldn't be affected that's what they say.. they do not realize that I'm an empath... that even if I didn't know the person.. I feel the sorrow that surrounds them. I feel the pain of my mom... of my cousin whose sorrow was so deep... of him not being as good of man as his grandfather. I am not as strong as him. my cousin is young and naive... he could be a good man, but he has a lot of growing up to do. He leaves for the middle east in October... maybe that will help him grow up. I'm rambling.. I'm all over the place and not really home... so much to deal with.. this moment was the cherry on top and I'm waiting to break. though I have no one to glue me back together again. I just feel so damn alone on top of it all. No one knows what to say to me... I'm different and they can't handle it. I just want a real connection and all i find is smoke shapes twisting into nothingness. I'm afraid to love for my emptyness is so great that it consumes and consumes... no one can understand this... they just can only see the side they want to see... the light, the dark... and i am both. so I chose to be alone.. I don't want to fall in love again... to be utterly destroyed. I wish that I could use the way the world seems to. I don't want to fall into your eyes in that dream of love... I want your embrace to keep me safe...but it seems to always be a game...a lie.. I need someone who knows when I need them and when I need space... I cling overpowering at times and float away and drift into my own world I am not an easy person to figure out.. some days I wish I was in love... had that person to hold me through my mania... but is there a guy out there strong enough...patient enough... i really hope so... for if i am left alone too long I will disappear..
wyntre: (walk alone)
"Only clowns'll play with dual balloons
Whatcha wanna look like Barbie for?"


*sighz* I lay here in bed...but I can't seem to shut off my brain. I've been working on homework (javascript) for hours upon hours today... I completed 2 quizes and 2 projects... one yesterday... still so far behind... at least I feel that way. I have 2 more quizes and 3 more projects for just that class to catch up... Then I have my AutoCad 3d assignments...9 of them though 2 are almost finished... I also have a test to take before Monday... I can't help but feel overwhelmed...I look at the big picture too much. The fact that I can't seem to fall asleep at night and then can't seem to wake up in the morning has made things so fucking difficult. We just had/are having a snow storm...thunder snow and all.. so its all back.. the dreary days that make life so difficult to want to be awake.. I find myself alone most of the time.. I have no want to be with others.. and at the same time, I want to hear from my friends... I feel so abandoned at times... I feel so lost at times. I sit here at night and stare at the screen... working, not working.. trying to find the inspiration to do something that will make me feel better about being alive. I am haunted by the fact that I am awkward around people... this guy last weekend asked me if he could give me his phone number... I felt so awkward... I was at work... second I don't feel pretty... interesting or any of that... and I stared at him wondering what the hell he was thinking...what he was seeing that he could possibly think that I would be someone he would want to hang out with. He wasn't ugly.. he wasn't rude or disgusting... he was just a fairly regular customer that I chat a little with when he checks out... and he asks me this... in front of my manager... I couldn't even say anything... I just shook my head no.. no I couldn't accept his phone number... I felt so horrid.. still do... I don't know if he was as embarrassed as I felt... It terrifies me when anyone wants more than a simple relationship. I don't know...he's prolly a great guy... I just am still not able to reach out to others...to have anyone in my life that is intimate.. I am truly turning into a hermit.. and I'm okay with it most days. People tend to break my heart and let me down... and its so hard for me.. so bloody hard. I'm still not recovered from the abuse/torment that I went through with my ex. I do miss feeling needed/loved/wanted but at the same time, it was so much work and I'm very school minded... I keep my eyes on that...if I am not where I feel like I'm doing well...if I'm not caught up I don't feel like I should be doing anything else besides working. Juggling work and school has been so difficult at times. I miss having friends that I could talk to about anything..not that I really did... I tend to stuff things... I was always the one that they turned to but never really had those I could turn to besides my mom and sister...and there are just somethings that I can't tell them either... but alas, I am here... with phantom friends... some days struggling with what is real...do people exist still when i can't feel them... can't see them... Yes... but do I ... or am I just living in my head again. always lost in the abyss of my thoughts. I think things that are strange... and things that are so mundane... I keep trying to figure out which way I'm headed... I feel like I am not where I should be... but then again... is there a should? I just feel soo tired all the time... ambition dying but I force myself onward toward a dream thats always just out of grasp..

"As she walks through a snow shower
Breaking a path through the ice
She passes a high ice tower
Which penetrates a polar night
But she lacks oxygen
Essential to fire"


* Reading: The Witching Hour by Anne Rice
wyntre: (never alone)
is how I feel.
The world is whirling about me.
Haunting me in every moment.
Left in the ashes, friends depressed...friends aching and I can not help
they tell me about wishing to die
and I sit here and cry
I know when I'm gone... I won't be remembered
because I can not save them
I can barely keep myself afloat
I am dying
wyntre: (alice)
Some days I get lost in the past... lost in a loneliness I don't expect anyone to understand. I hear these songs that trigger memories of long ago... sweet words... laced with poison... and now I'm jaded.. this poor heart of mine wants so much to believe in what it seeks... yet the doubt of what I witness every day clouds my mind.. then there are my parents... I watch and hope that someday someone will look at me like that.. and that I can aford to let myself to allow it to be. It seems whenever I start to fall for someone... something happens... and the bubble pops soo soon... and poof they are not what they seemed a moment ago... but the damage is done... and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened. I have been through many different types of hell in my short time on this earth... somehow I was murdered so long ago... I dont remember much... and what I do... i wish to forget... Its like being dead... yet you are not ready to give up quite yet. I am not afraid of dying... I am in no rush most days to die... yet I do not fear it. My worry is that I will finally find what I seek... and it will all end.. but if I just get one moment... I will have that happiness every little girl dreams of. Until then... I will fight the loneliness I feel and continue doing what i am ... seeking out my dreams and trying to make them real. I find people along the way that I can call friend... and I find myself lucky to finally find someone I can connect with. Not just a pretend connect where I understand them... and am left with a mind full and no one to talk to... but ones that listen to my babble as well as letting me listen to theirs... things may be changing... I can only hope..
wyntre: (alice)
What a week.
I had my awards ceremony on Tuesday. Yay for a scholarship! I also made a contact at the airlines so I have a reference for after I graduate to possibly work there =)

On the downside, I've been feeling poorly since then. In fact I left work early last night to come home and rest.. and I ended up having to do a quick clean of the apt because the landlords were coming this morning. *sigh* So I finally got my room where its tollerable to live in now...
and I wake up to doors slamming... the vaccuum going off... and it wasn't even 8am... I know.. my alarm was set for 8... *sigh* When he's sleeping I'm as quiet as possible... and its during daylight hours... so no cranking my music and dancing around the apt lol... but... eh I won't even go there...
So yeah... I come out of my room and he's putting up a tree... so apparently we have a tree out in the living room lol MY little one is in my room... still waiting for me to decorate it. My mom got me these pretty blue ornaments and silver ones... and i have white lites... He went out and spent a bunch of money on these gold ones... I wouldnt care... but he complains about money... bills are unpaid... and I go without alot to keep the bills paid... *sigh*
So I left for work... and we had the big boss come in... and somehow she didn't see me... they passed by me 3 times lol So I didnt have to answer questions or anything... and my boss was like... where were you? LOL I was right in front of him stocking the cleaning supplies!!
So the day at work wasnt too bad. I came home instead of going to school...to work on my final... which isn't going so great... and I find that my roommate only put 3 ornaments on the tree... apparently he got bored. LOL I dont get the guy... but whatever
So I've been sitting in my room for 8 and half hours working on this with a small break to eat... its finally set up and now i have to do the rest lol.
So tomorrow I work at the crack for me.. and then will head down to my folks.. I keep hoping my friend B will call me and we can hangout... but I have not heard from him since last weekend... so I prolly won't see him... but I keep hoping. I really like him... he seems to understand things that I have a hard time putting into words. He has this same love for the ocean and water that I have... and we talk so easily... except in person... in person we get nervous...
I am afraid I will fall for him... Its not an option of something that can happen lol... but I feel like he could be one of the few that I can call best friend... I have these dumb fears... like touching him will make him disappear.. dumb right? Its just every good guy friend I've had... something bad has happened... and they evaporate out of my life.. and leave this hole in my heart.. and these are not even the ones I was "in" love with... just the ones I loved. I know how I prolly sound... but I don't care.. In the end, their partner in life hates me and makes them stop being friends with me... some have fallen in love with me and couldn't bear to be around someone who can't love them back the way they need. Hold my heart to your ear... you will hear the ocean..
Weird thing happened... one of these guys...a dear friend... wrote me a one lined letter... thank you. I had congratulated him on his engagement. The 3 closest guy friends I ever had... they will all be married... and I wasn't invited to a single one of their weddings...see how I rank in their lives... at least that is something that will not happen with B... he's already married. Anyways... gonna spend the weekend working on this project... a holiday party and working. I hope I can finish this project this weekend so I don't have to worry about it anymore. One week till my birthday... this year is going by fast.

Haunted

Dec. 6th, 2010 11:57 pm
wyntre: (walk alone)
So today started out with me "playing" a mistress in our commercial for class.. Then I met up with my ex. He still gets my mail...so I met and picked it up. Its the first time I've seen him in person since before Halloween... Looking upon him...I know I'm no longer in love with him... I know I can survive without him... but its so easy to talk to him... to fall into forgetting how horrible he can be. I hate talking about him to people... because I know both sides of ... the guy. I know his beauty... the part I fell in love with... and I know the monster... Unfortunately... his monster tore me apart... I am too forgiving... too understanding... and sometimes I look into his eyes... and I see part of me trapped inside... I know... crazy...
But he made me feel like it was okay to be me... completely... of course this was a lie... but thats why I fell so damn hard... was trapped so deep inside... At one time his eyes glowed ember... amazing deep... they died or maybe it was all a lie... and they were dead to begin with.
Doesn't really matter anymore. I just know what is left of what was... what I became... absorbed in being loved...being wanted for me... but who I was... was never enough.. I was too "light" in the beginning...then I was too "dark" I wasn't serious enough... I wasn't happy enough... I was too fake... too real... and I couldn't communicate the way he needed... I don't spell everything out... and this apparently is needed in his world. I just kept trying... till I wasn't me anymore... and my friends disappeared... and my parents say I became a very bitter person... I yelled a lot... my patience wore thin... and I couldn't handle it anymore... I snapped... and let him turn me... I truly believed what he said... I believed I was what was wrong... I was the one with the problem... the one who "forced" him to lose his temper. When we finally broke up... it wasn't a typical breakup... so he remained in my life... and well... I was still in love with him for quite awhile afterwards... I don't "fall outa love" or get over people easily.. Part of me will love him... but I don't know if it was a true love... I think it was more the idea of him... but whatever I try to tell myself... he had me heart mind body and soul... and I don't think I ever really had him completely. I tend to give all of myself when I'm in love... there is no meet me half way. I realize this... I want someone who will give me all as I do for them. I know that I will have to share them with their memories and hauntings as they will have to with me... but I can dream otherwise... I just wish i could be enough... that I could be me... and love despite all my flaws and imperfections. This may never happen... but if I can get myself back... If I can look in the mirror...and be okay again. I hate that I let myself be destroyed again. I hate that I am broken and unable to share myself... that poison flows through me. That I can not help but bleed out right now. That I have to be soo guarded when I talk... so i do not break down in front of people. I am not strong enough right now. I spend nights in tears. I feel soo utterly alone.... I have a couple friends that keep telling me I am not... but I am... I do not expect anyone to be there every time I breakdown. It isn't fair to them. In my darkness I am blinded and more alone than can even be described. I'm afraid to touch another person. I'm afraid to look upon kind eyes and fall in love again... for I have nothing to offer. Only tears and chaos. So I walk on alone. I have 2 very amazing friends who seem to be able to reach me in this deep melancholy I wonder in and out of... but they have their own lives...their own troubles... and I sit alone trapped in this state.. The time of year doesn't help. Sometimes I just want to run away... and keep running till I hit the ocean... but I know... where ever I go... my problems will find me..
wyntre: (falling to pieces)
It stings... the fire in my head.. burning me from the inside. I feel safe bleeding onto this page... I am not real...but what I feel consumes me. I know that maybe one person may read this... maybe two... maybe you know who I am. My rl name... but to most I am just Wyntre... bleeding onto the fresh white snow...you may think I'm overly dramatic in my writing... you may not even read it because it is soo... messy. I sit amongst my boxes... my belongings from over the years...some gifts from others, some I bought myself. I sit and look at all this stuff...still in boxes...crammed into my little room...which isnt that little. Sorrow fills me... I want to unpack... but am afraid to.. I feel like I will have to pack it all up again soon.. It makes me feel so unwanted.. so displaced. When will the world around me stop shattering... when will I be able to face myself in the mirror and not want to break it. I don't feel real... I feel like nobody cares most of the time. I am so often forgotten... let to drink a bottle of wine by myself. When I am invited out...I feel so bad about it... for at the moment I can barely aford to keep myself afloat. Yet here I am...still trucking on... and I have no idea why. I feel helpless and hopeless. I hate to even talk about it... when I try to keep it so tightly packed under control... I'm afraid the gates won't hold and all of it will come tumbling out like a tide...never ending deep and black... I feel so alone... even when amongst people.. I just feel like a shadow... dead inside, with a painted on smile. From behind my eyes I am screaming..screaming loud and it comes out in a whisper. I do not want to trouble them with my horror stories... The Truth... The Whole Truth.. And Nothing But the Truth...Except for what I can not say... I can't speak it... Its buried deep inside... covered by years of pain... Too much I'm told that one person can bear... well thats a lie...I've held my pain and walked on... I feel it selfish to share what I hold.. Too selfish... for you didn't cause it... no. So I sit here alone... thinking about those who mean the world to me...and falling... tears streaming... and I am alone. I wonder.. I wonder if I mean anything to anyone... I wonder if anyone feels this way...or if I am just the shadow on the wall feeling too much sorrow. I'm consumed by this feeling. I sit here and I cry. I can not stop. I have no one to hold me as I pathetically allow myself to feel sorry for myself. I don't want those around me to know how weak I am... yet. I can not seem to stop it. I look at my screen... waiting for someone to say something. I want to feel something else. I want to be not alone.. yet I can not stop feeling this way. it subsides at times.. but its there. staring at me like my boxes. I do not know how much longer I can go on alone. people keep telling me I'm not... but where is everyone at 2am when the sobs hit me uncontrollably? Where are they when I sit in front of my computer at 11pm?
They are living their lives...as they should be.. and I sit alone... not being able to touch a soul because if I do... they will twist into smoke and evaporate into my head...
And so I sit. surrounded by ghosts. reaching out a hand into the abyss... for what... I really don't know... for who really wants to be around a dead girl?
wyntre: (tiffa)
I had thought I had found the person I could share the whole me with. I was mistaken... and it left me devastated... I wanted someone so much that I could share everything with... and in the plasticness of the world.. I was fooled that I did... but he showed me that It wasn't okay to bear my soul.. That he was not okay with who I was... only wanted the pretty parts... the light when he wanted light and the dark when he needed dark... i wasn't a person.. I was just there... and its taking me forever to cope with what I let happen... I sit and stare into the nothingness... I sit and stare at my world... I evaporate from everyones lives and am alone. Haunted by so many memories... so much past that I could get lost in. So many lies I could have let myself live in..
I jump when I shouldn't... I play with fire... so I end up burnt and on my face... when will I learn... I don't think I will... my soul is searching for that person who will catch me when I jump.. not let me fall... not let me burn... Some days I get soo tired of being dependable... of being the rock... there... yet not having anyone to lighten my burden... I feel guilty for unloading on V... she's got so much of her own life... and now... my new friend... I'll call him B... he is just too good to be true... but he's there... I'm afraid to touch him... that he'll twist into smoke and evaporate into my mind... I'm afraid that our friendship that seems to be blooming into the friendship I've been searching for... will end in flames... I fear his wife gettin jealous and thinking there is something less innocent that what is here... Nobody seems to believe I'm as innocent as I am in that sense... I don't mess with men that have someone in their life that way...married, dating... its all the same to me.. untouchable. which is good... I can't go through the whole explaining of why I can't date... why I can't be that close to them...of breaking their heart...ego... whatever you want to call it... I'm soo tired of trying to save guys from me... Of fending off those who mistake lust for love...
How do I get out of the mindset that I'm poison? How do I get over all the pain that D bestowed upon my little broken scarred heart? How do I get over all that has fallen in my world.. How do I become real..
I wish I knew... I wish I was strong enough to fight this overwhelming sadness that takes me over from time to time. I wish I could allow you to hug me... I fear letting my broken pieces touch anyone... I fear you loving me.. because I fear me loving you back.. it hurts so much to love... because everyone goes away... leaves me in this tumble of emotions... of death spewed out before me.. Yet here I am lying on the floor.. looking into eyes that are not really there... and despite all of it...
I still believe that there is hope... that there is good out there...that somehow somewhere someone is strong enough to love me...
wyntre: (walk alone)
Sadness covers and vibrates throughout my being.
All I see is darkness.. I am in a sea of darkness.
I cry like a mad woman. In .2 seconds I go from okay to tears.
I keep staring at my computer screen. Willing myself to write.
I hear a song and the tears come.
I don't feel a connection to many people in my life.
Usually when I do... its brief and gone with a blink.. or they end up stabbing me in the heart when they leave. Yet i still walk on. While I have a wall up... I still am searching for that connection. To feel something...for someone...for real.
I felt a connection with a new friend. We talked and while we did... I felt it. That soul recognizing soul feeling. Obviously me being me... it scared me...but I didn't want to stop talking. It was wonderful. Then the night ended. We all said our goodbyes and I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then surprisingly he wrote me.. I am used to feeling a small portion of this and then evaporating into the past like it never happened.

I had one of my breakdowns this weekend. I just stare at my room. The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness consumes me. I am still dealing with this feeling of unwelcome in my own place. I apparently rent a room and that is it. I know my roommate probably doesn't realize he makes me feel this way... So I sit here... unable to lift my spirits let alone do what I should be doing.
And yesterday...my new friend messaged me. As much as I didn't want to ruin everything by bleeding out all over him... he allowed me to bleed a little... It was so scary yet at the same time... I felt the connection again. even through the internet. Then... today we met for lunch. He made me beautiful gifts. Amazing. I was jumping on the inside. I was afraid to talk though.. we were in public... and with the way I have been... I didn't want to start crying. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to continue talking... but there was a baby crying... and tension in the air... He even shared stuff with me...so it was a real conversation.. equal parts blood spilled. It was nice...and I didn't want to stop...but alas everything ends. I may have found a true friend here.. Too bad I'm so needy... Its just nice to have someone other that poor Veridienne who is the only other person I talk to and truthfully the only one who is reading this.. Its nice to feel understood...
So now after my wonderful day... the normal sadness hits and I sink into my typical darkness. I wish there was someway for me to not feel this...alone.
wyntre: (Default)
I guess I'm used to being the observer, not the observed and it is nerving, like someone waiting for my mask to fall, to see behind the mask. My ex always hated my mask, he always thought it was lying or being fake... never could understand that it wasn't really for others, it was something I had to do to keep living and that people didn't need to see what lies beneath the surface of the smiles. I always figured anyone who really looked would know that the smiles on my face were mostly faked, but hell if I could just convince myself, I could keep breathing lmao. I was too light in the begining...then I was too dark. I just got to the point of wanting to be seen by someone...wanted someone to care that I wasn't happy. Yet it just seems like we are ants passing by in the dark, too wrapped in our own lives to care about others. Maybe thats why they can't see me, though I really go from phases from wanting someone to see me to wanting to be invisible. I have felt love, deep and passionate, yet seemed to never be enough. I wanted something so much more than real life seems to offer. A connection. That spark. Something to distract me from all the pain I've gone through... that I'm in. Someone who can make me laugh in the midst of tears. Who understands I'm a sad person. I'm afraid to fall in love again. I have this need to save people from me. I feel like I can only promise pain. My life is soo chaotic. Things always go... in interesting and crazy paths.. I just feel so guilty for asking anyone to share that with me. Though the longer I stay alive, the more I feel like I wont have a partner to share the load... who could handle my insanity. I really don't know if there will anyone out there strong enough. I don't know if I can love again... I'm so jaded from everything. But maybe... maybe I will heal enough to allow myself to love again. to trust again. but is there someone out there who will be okay to have someone like me as thier partner... someone who won't be able to do the dishes, because she is barely strong enough to lift herself out of bed, let alone make it to the kitchen to eat, do the dishes and put them away. To lift herself up out of her own sorrow, but not able to do the laundry. To find the strength to smile when someone looks at her... yet unable to verbally say she is okay... to lie and say that things are "swell" Someone who can handle the darkness that consumes me from time to time.. The day-mares the frequent my vision. Words I can't speak. The need to be alone at times. The need to dance around the room like a complete lunatic to lift my mood out of the oblivion it falls into. Someday I may even be able to speak the visions to someone, but I can not even bare to write them out to the emptiness of the page.
I haven't written much in awhile. Though I am thinking I need to start writing again. It may help me through this again. I miss my camera, but its on its way to get fixed. I hope I get it back before the snow falls. I really want to get some great snow photos with my new lens. Hell I need to get my photos edited...now I'm starting to ramble even more... so i bid you ado
wyntre: (walk alone)
I havn't written in a month. I just havnt been doing too well. I know writing will help me bleed out what is poisoning me... but sometimes it just makes me feel worse seeing my pain in scratches poking back at me.
I have been feeling more alone than normal. I sit amongst my friends and feel so out of place. I watch people at school.. I know they can not see me but I feel so out of place.
I'm not okay..

A bandaid over a bullet hole. the scars are here to stay.

I'm tired of trying to get you to see me... to understand.

So I will be silent... be still

Until i just fade away.

Left in the pieces that I've been broken into

Til I am just a faded memory.

For I have always been... and always will be a figment of your imagination.

Who knew you could dream so dark, so beautifully broken, so perfectly flawed.

If you put my heart to your ear you would hear the ocean.
I just want to feel something other than this hollow feeling I have..
wyntre: (oh crap)
Usually my depression doesnt get bad til November.. October is my favorite month, but this year I have been fighting it since spring. I am not sure what is really wrong with me. My mind wont turn off at night, then when i finally fall asleep... I dont want to wake up. The annoying buzz of my alarm... just makes me hit the snooze button. Eventually I have to get up though. I have obligations, school and work. Today I forced myself out of bed earlier than normal, got my laundry together, paperwork together, then veged to the last few episodes of the 3rd season of Dexter. I am exhausted. I work in an hour. It is October. The leaves are changing colors. Birthdays fill the month. School fills 3 of my days, and the others are filled with work. Tomorrow is prolly my last day off for awhile. I am spending it with my folks. I miss them terribly. I miss my friends. Yesterday I went and hungout with a friend for the first time in awhile after class. We walked around a Halloween store, got some groceries and she made me her awesome Ravioli. I think she knows that I'm hallow inside. She asked me what was wrong. I smiled and told her I had a headache, which was true. But the other part... I wish i knew what was wrong. Then I could fix it. You ever read the twilight saga? In the second book Bella feels hollow, empty and dead. Thats how I feel. No its not because of guy like she is... I havnt had a guy in my life in a long time. I few casual encounters, but none that could imprint on me the way one has to, to tear a hole out of a person. I have lost friends... I guess I felt closer to them than they did to me, for they just left, no word, just poof out of my life. Maybe its because my whole life is changing... but shouldn't I feel more alive for that... not so empty?
Some say you need someone to live for... but I just dont see that being an answer. I would rather find myself and be happy then, have someone in my life to share the happiness with. I dont like having someone complete me, because then when they leave, I am broken as they pull away...shattered. I hate that.
So I sit here, in my room. cluttered with emotion and wondering how I can get the motivation to keep going. yet I do. I get up, put on my work clothes and a smile, and head out the door. I fake my happiness. maybe someday I will fool myself enough that i am truely happy.. Or maybe I will really feel it. it would be nice.
Until then I will just try to enjoy October. Try not to sleep all the time. Make some Apple Cider. And try not to analys myself to death lol

"Its getting darker now.
Its getting darker now.
Its getting darker now.
All you hear are lullaby
Its a long way home.
And all I see is darkness.
An Angel in a dark dress.
Don't you leave me here.
I am in a sea of darkness.
So don't you leave me here."

Moments

Sep. 24th, 2010 02:03 am
wyntre: (alice)
Today was class, as usual. Not bad, nor good, just normal. Its been raining all day. I love the rain, but not driving in it. Yet, I stopped after class to get some mac and cheese... they have halloweenie kind out right now so i got some... though i forgot the butter. I came home, put it away and sat down... stomach grummbling. I was supposed to be going out to eat with Rob... he was still in bed..awake but in bed. I kinda broached the subject and he said he wasnt in the mood for burgers.. so I took the hint and sat back down. He then came into my room and told me that I needed to start chipping in, he implied that if he knew i was gonna loose my job he would have asked someone else to move in. *sigh* BS. I had told him prior to me moving in, prior to me loosing my job, that I wouldn't be able to help out with anything for awhile due to the fact that i'm supporting my family. He knew this, and I reminded him of it. He got this look on his face. I have a job now... but I have alot of catching up to do and still have to help my family. I am super stressed about this new development. So I made myself a sandwich. As I was eating it, he looked at me funny. I was starving. I said I was hungry. So we left and did his running around. Then he decided to get food, and picked on me for eating. I looked at him. He said he hadn't been in the mood, was complaining about money and then wonders why I wasnt eating out with him. *sigh* So I sat at the bar had a drink while he ate. We were going to see a movie that I have been looking forward to seeing since I knew it was coming out and I'll be damned if he was gonna make me worry about shit when I wanted to see this. So I drank. LOL. We headed to the movie Resident Evil in 3d. the 3d part was okay..not too noteworthy but fun. And I enjoyed the movie. I thanked him. and we went home... or rather stopped at subway (he got food) and then went home. Then I popped on fb to find that my ex, DD is upset and needs an ear. We have been friends for a long time. We dated like 7 years ago or something and he has a little spot in my heart. He tells me I have a big spot in his. So I tell him to call, and I listen about his madness in his life. He gets so much drama, and most of it is undeserved. I feel bad for him, but there is nothing that can be done, so I listen. He always tells me he loves me. While its nice to hear.. i dont hear that often from anyone besides family, its hard to hear it from him. he broke my heart awhile ago, and it did take awhile to get over it. I dont like rehashing the pain. its like lets cut you open again and poke where it hurts. does it hurt? how about there? there? ahh there! He misses me so much, and wants me to come see him and meet his wife and kids. I just dont know... I have a huge issue with this, I wish I didn't, because he is my friend. but some ties run so deep...
Anyways we were talking about memories. I have so many with him. We dont even have that much in common. He just knows what to say, and when. I miss him.. anyways. he would walk me home from whatever we had been doing, and you know how street lights make the circle on the ground lol I would "skate" in them. After skating in every possible light rink i could find we would lay down on the grass and look at the stars, talking about whatever entered our minds. sometimes profound, sometimes just plain silly. He had a hardees hat. I took daisys and put one in each little hole. lol he walked around like that. He made me smile.
This one time, I headed up north with my folks. It was really soon after my breakup with my longtime bf.. I was in distress, and hurting. I called DD, and talked to him for awhile. he got in his car and drove 2 hours to be with me. It was so romantic and amazing. i couldnt believe that after all this time, I still felt safe in his arms, loved in his eyes even though i was much more jaded and broken from when we had dated. The day ended too soon, and he was soon gone. That was the last time I saw him. It was what I needed at that time. So that is one memory that will stay with me for a long long time.

Mabon

Sep. 22nd, 2010 10:03 pm
wyntre: (Default)
Tonight is Mabon. I bought some lovely bread to celebrate, since I had no time to bake bread, which is my custom. I also poured myself a nice glass of Gold wine. Yum. Today was very long, and its not done yet. I still have my homework sitting next to me to be done. I worked the early shift today, and it wasnt that busy but I kept coming up against walls, so I kept havingt to page a manager to find out what I was doing wrong. lol I felt so annoying and one of the managers seemed a little annoyed at first, but then i think he realized how nervous I was and finally smiled. I kept thanking him. lol. I think he thought I was an idiot..but it was so early and my brain didnt seem to register things lol. Oh well. So after work I went home quickly changed and drove back down to school. I forgot to leave my camera with my friend who is leaving tmw for Seattle with his sister. He doesnt have one and wanted to borrow it to take pictures, so I left it with his mom, and then went to my other friends apt to give her money for the ticket to see Dresden Dolls in Chicago. I am really excited. I can't believe they are touring and I can go see them!!!! So after a quick encounter there, I headed over to Half priced books and looked for the book series that I want to get my dad for xmas/Yule. They had a couple in the set, and I put a reserve on them as well as a wishlist for when the other ones come in. I also put a few other ones in for series i am missing parts of. they also had the anita blake series, so I got myself the first 2 books. I have a few friends who love this series, so i want to check it out and see if i fall in love too lol. I then pulled myself out of the bookstore, which is very difficult... i adore books, and went to the dollar tree to pick up a few cards to send my grandparents, and mom. plus a cute one for my sister for the silly thing i am doing for her to pick her mood up. =) i really hope she likes it. I found a bear that has her name :) oh so much fun. anyways i finally made it home, ate some dinner and now am munching on my bread and drinking my wine. I decided to write this before i start my dreaded it computer concepts homework. I need to hand it in tmw to get some feedback and hopefully not fail my test next week. Meh. I am not gonna do a meme thing today... I'll push it til tmw.
wyntre: (never alone)
So the next in this series is called best friend. When I was little I watched tv, wishing for someone like that. To do everything with, to tell my secrets to, to cry on, to be there for me. As I grew, I realized that real life people are not like that at all. I would lend the shoulder, I would sit and listen.. yet when I needed to talk to someone.. I had no one really then. I created invisible friends, and talked to my dolls. I had my sister, but back then we were not that close. I didnt have a true friend for quite awhile. I mean I could count on my sister for some things, and on my mom if I really needed them, but sometimes a girl needs someone seperate from the situation. I had some ghosts I talked to, but they couldnt hold me. I was alone for a long time. I had some people I played with, but they weren't true friends. I knew that when the pieces fell I would be standing in mud, by myself. I was the one they ran to, but I had no one really to run to outside of my mom. Now I do consider her my best friend, yet somehow I always wanted another kind of best friend. It wasn't until college that I got my wish for friends that accepted me for me. While in the end only a couple of them are still with me, it was nice having friends to go do stuff with. Even then the person I called my best friend, wasnt really what I had hoped for. I always got looks like I was crazy, because no one understood me at times, and no one really knew me. Some of them were close, broke my heart, but still they just couldnt accept all of me at times. I scared them I think. Even the boy I loved then, I think was scared of my desires of the world. Maybe I just had too high of standards for real people. In my second school I found a group of friends that I was more like, and met a girl who I considered my best friend. We did everything that the stereotype best friends do and more. She mostly accepted me for me. She had issues with the guys I liked, but we were close. There was 3 of us that were inseperatable... until a little bird called thier folks and told them I worshiped the devil and was condeming their kids... I lost one of my dearest friends that day. His mom had/has a stronger grip on him than anyone I ever met. I still miss him and my heart breaks when I remember him. He's getting married.. and I will not be there to celebrate my best friends special day. He was not strong enough to stand up to his mother. I can not hate him for that, but I can be heartbroken. My other best friend surprizingly stood up to her folks. She did not fall away from the close part til I went away for my batchleors degree. She did not like that I was far away.. and it took awhile to talk again. We do now, though she is in a different state. I miss her too, but at least I can talk to her occasionally. When I moved, I made a new best friend. She was dating one of my close friends. She and I did alot together and she was there through one of the rough spots in my life. She broke my heart as well. She just stopped talking to me one day. I have no idea why. I had another very close friend, who dropped me without a word as well. I miss him dearly... I think I may have been in love with him, but we wanted different things out of life. He is also getting married... another dear one that I will miss an important part of his life.
I feel like everytime I let someone close to me is damned to leave. I know that is life, but the way they go just upsets me. I think that having friends sometimes is more heartbreaking than when I was alone. Yet again. I have 2 very important friends that are close to me, and have been with me for quite awhile for my ups and downs, as I have tried to be there for them. One is my dear online goddesss, she's the one who interduced me to this website. She listens while I rant about the pain I feel from the rejection of people in life, when my brain takes over and makes life too damn hard. She discusses makeup with me, even though i dont know much. She shares my love of dance, and vampires, and music and books, and goddesses. She is one of the few that I feel doesnt judge me on my beliefs even when they dont match her own. I try to listen to her through her own heartbreak and trials though I cant be there in life, i give her my spirit and heart when she asks. This scares me, for i know things could always change, yet somehow through all we've been through I think she will be the one who sticks. At least I hope so. My other one is my roommate. He's been here through my mania... he doesnt always understand me, or my crazy ways, but he tries to be there when it counts and that means alot to me. I also have two other girls who are constently supporting me as much as they can. There are a few other onliners, but we have fallen away. I feel lucky to have the ones I do. I wouldnt be here today without thier support and understanding.. even if they dont completely understand me, I know that certain people's shoulders will always be there. <3
wyntre: (walk alone)
My day today started with the annoying buzzing of my alarm clock. I worked late last night, so of course I had an early shift this morning. Sadly no coffee this morning, but i had my breakfast drink and out the door I go. Today it was Birthday Massacre on the way to work. =) At work I got to learn in photo, training time :) I helped a few people get thier photos, but it wasn't that busy of a day partly because of the construction (which makes getting to work a pain)and partly because of the Packer game. So I helped go threw the grocery section throwing away old food and restocking the shelves. I apparently grabbed the wrong sandwich this morning. So no lunch for me. And Rob was upset I took his sandwhich.
I took the route threw town to avoid the Packer traffic, I guess we won. I'm not a sports fan really, so missing the game wasnt a big loss. I did take my dad to our first game last year. It was fun. Anyways, I made it home, made some mac and cheese followed by ice cream =)
I've been watching Dexter the rest of the night. I know I should be cleaning or studying, but i'm tired, my pills havnt gotten into my system yet to make me feel less tired. I want instant... but thats not life, so I just try to be good with taking them every day and hope that they kick in soon. I'm tired of being tired lol. I'm tired of feeling depressed. lol Though most people have no idea of how I truely feel. They see this smiley happy looking silly girl. The ones who know me a little, just think i'm strange. Few people I let truely inside. Its so dangerous to let someone so close. They tend to rip out my heart and shred it. Its very tiresome to repatch ones heart. Little stitches, and each time makes it harder to trust another. I am Jaded. I know. Yet somehow I still hope and let others in.. maybe I'm a glutton for punishment... see hope where there really is none.
Meh, so instead I poor myself into my projects.
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